Rethinking and failing: Hot, cold, hot, cold...Hot it is!

I've said this before. I'm the cynic, he's the romantic. And I keep oscillating between "It's possible." and "It's pointless." all the time. Which, obviously, is very frustrating for him. But, I wish I could help it.

He is in Pakistan. I'll be returning to India. We have never met each other and probably won't meet until September next year, when he comes to the UK for his studies and I, hopefully, get scholarship for further studies so that I can return as well. So, you see, we don't even know if we're really going to be able to even meet each other. And as it is, long distances, even when you know each other before moving away, is difficult to sustain. How do we expect to maintain this for another year? This is a question I've asked myself about a thousand times. Never got a satisfactory answer. The logical thing to do, obviously, would be to stop being silly and stop dreaming. Stop hoping. I wish it were so simple. Flick a switch and everything stops. (Inside joke: whenever I mention any of these things to him, he says, "V, I have a manufacturing defect. I don't have a regulator. Just an on and off switch. And it's never in my control anyway. So, there is no way that I can control my feelings or try to pretend this didn't happen. It's switched on now and I don't know when, if ever, it'll switch off. I hope it never does.") But it doesn't work that way. I fought it so badly for so long. But I had to succumb. He loves me so unconditionally. God knows if I'll ever find anything like this beautiful relationship ever again! Can I afford to let it go? It's completely irrational, I agree. And thinking about the physical distance for a year just pains me no end! But still, it's different. Can I afford to let it go without giving it a try? Can I afford to let it go without a fight? I suppose I can't. I didn't and I won't.

I don't know if we will last. I don't know if we will even meet each other. And if we do, I don't know if we will be able to sustain the relationship then like we are trying now. But, I know I can't let it go without giving it a fair chance. And all this is because I have enough faith in him.