How? When? What?!!!

Today, I'm just mostly feeling amazed at how did this ever happen? I mean, I did what?!! Fell in love with somebody I met over the internet in spite of knowing that we might not even be able to ever meet each other? But, I suppose I have talked about that too much. Yes, nothing is certain. Yes, this is insane. But at the same time, yes, we love each other.

What I'm amazed at is the extent of my love. Never did I think I had it in me to be able to love someone so much, to be able to trust someone so much. Even when I have met people, I haven't trusted them easily. But with Raj, something tells me it'll all be just fine. I could trust him with my life. Am I being stupid? What if he disappears suddenly? What if all this is just some joke/ fun/ timepass for him? What if he goes back to his ex-girlfriend because she is much prettier, nearer and most importantly, a Muslim, someone his family would approve of? Or what if he caves under the family pressure and just gets married to someone his parents choose for him? What if everything just falls apart? I am used to being the cynic. So, these questions just keep popping up in my mind. I know the answers to all of these questions. I know none of these things will happen. That's how much I trust him. I KNOW that these are just my insecurities, that these things will never happen. It still doesn't stop me from feeling insecure time and again. But the point is that even after all these possibilities pop up in my head, I know they are stupid and irrational fears. I totally and completely trust him to never break my heart. In fact, I'm more scared some day, I might break his heart. But not him.

Anyway, coming back to the topic, I don't know how and when did this happen. But he is my first thought on waking up and my last thought before going to sleep. I have shed all my inhibitions and completely given myself up to these sensations and feelings I have about him. I love him so very much, so very dearly. And I know every single one of my emotion is reciprocated with equal ardour. Of course all is not rosy and lovely. There are innumerable times when he has exasperated me no end, when I have been sure I would just suffocate and die if I have to live with him. There are many many many things on which we disagree and where both of us will have to compromise. And I'm afraid we might lose this magic and this love when that time comes. But these doubts and uncertainties will have to wait until another day, another post and hopefully, another lifetime. :P Because I want to enjoy this life with Raj, completely free of stress and doubts.

Rethinking and failing: Hot, cold, hot, cold...Hot it is!

I've said this before. I'm the cynic, he's the romantic. And I keep oscillating between "It's possible." and "It's pointless." all the time. Which, obviously, is very frustrating for him. But, I wish I could help it.

He is in Pakistan. I'll be returning to India. We have never met each other and probably won't meet until September next year, when he comes to the UK for his studies and I, hopefully, get scholarship for further studies so that I can return as well. So, you see, we don't even know if we're really going to be able to even meet each other. And as it is, long distances, even when you know each other before moving away, is difficult to sustain. How do we expect to maintain this for another year? This is a question I've asked myself about a thousand times. Never got a satisfactory answer. The logical thing to do, obviously, would be to stop being silly and stop dreaming. Stop hoping. I wish it were so simple. Flick a switch and everything stops. (Inside joke: whenever I mention any of these things to him, he says, "V, I have a manufacturing defect. I don't have a regulator. Just an on and off switch. And it's never in my control anyway. So, there is no way that I can control my feelings or try to pretend this didn't happen. It's switched on now and I don't know when, if ever, it'll switch off. I hope it never does.") But it doesn't work that way. I fought it so badly for so long. But I had to succumb. He loves me so unconditionally. God knows if I'll ever find anything like this beautiful relationship ever again! Can I afford to let it go? It's completely irrational, I agree. And thinking about the physical distance for a year just pains me no end! But still, it's different. Can I afford to let it go without giving it a try? Can I afford to let it go without a fight? I suppose I can't. I didn't and I won't.

I don't know if we will last. I don't know if we will even meet each other. And if we do, I don't know if we will be able to sustain the relationship then like we are trying now. But, I know I can't let it go without giving it a fair chance. And all this is because I have enough faith in him.