Secular v/s Religious

Remember I told you there are things about Raj that exasperate me no end? That sometimes, I think I'll suffocate and die if I have to live with him? Well, today's post is about one such thing that sets us miles apart from each other ideologically - Religion. I grew up in Mumbai and my parents, though religious and believers in Jainism (that's right, my family is Jain, what I would call the OPPOSITE of Islam), are not really much of practitioners. They go to the temple once a fortnight on an average and we do some religious stuff during festivals. But in general, we are pretty chilled out. And since I grew up in Mumbai - one of the most cosmopolitan city of India, I am more like, I believe in God. But not in religion. Religion is man-made. God exists, whatever form you choose to worship Him (or Her - being politically correct :P) in.

Raj, on the other hand, grew up in a very religious Muslim environment. He also can not mention it enough times - he is not just a born Muslim. He chose Islam after studying all the different religions. While I always take this with a pinch of salt, (I mean, come on, he couldn't have studied everything there is to know about all the religions. He didn't even know what Jainism is!) it is still true that at least he has a lot of knowledge about Christianity, Judaism and a bit about Hinduism. So, he has chosen his religion by his own free will. But that doesn't make any difference at all. He is still very staunchly a Muslim. And this is the root cause of a lot of our disagreements, arguments and even full-blown fights.

That is why I am very scared of how it will be to live with him. I have thought more than is necessary about what's the point of sustaining a relationship over the internet for over a year if you already know that you won't be able to live in that kind of environment. Staunch religion is not for me. Even if it was someone Jain or Hindu or any other religion that I'm familiar with, I would still not be okay with someone insisting that his religion is the only "true" religion in the world. Because I don't think he has any rights or authority to decide that! And if and when I have children, I most definitely don't want them growing up to follow only one religion or believe that there can be only one way of life or only one true religion. So, all this is going to be a BIG problem if and when we start living together.

How, then, are we going to resolve this? Why are we going ahead with this even after knowing one of the biggest problems we'll have to face eventually? What if we don't get around to any solutions? What if we end up hurting each other so much that it's irreparable? There are so many what ifs in this relationship. But we are still in it. We have talked and talked and talked. We have tried to find ways around most of the big problems we shall have to face eventually if it works out. We are both very firm on certain things. Like, I won't ever convert to Islam for him. Nor would I let my (our :P) children be brought up as Muslims. But then again, I also trust him to never ask that of me. He knows how I feel about most things. He won't ever ask me to do something I don't believe in. And I, on the other hand, have been trying to understand Islam for him so that I'd know what to expect in certain situations. I've been trying not to resent it too much when sometimes he gives more importance to religion than to me. I don't deny that I'm possessive and I want his attention all the time. But, since I would never let a thing like religion ever affect anything important in my life, I find it difficult to understand that it is so important for him that he absolutely needs to find ways to accommodate every single action of his in the framework of Islam. But we are trying. And since we feel so deeply for each other, I know we will keep trying. So, even if this doesn't work out (there are not many chances of that, but well, we can't deny it's a possibility,) we know that we would have tried better than the best we could have tried before giving up.

We both exasperate each other - me with my cynicism, him with his chauvinism and religiousness. But we still love each other. So. Very. Much. :D

How? When? What?!!!

Today, I'm just mostly feeling amazed at how did this ever happen? I mean, I did what?!! Fell in love with somebody I met over the internet in spite of knowing that we might not even be able to ever meet each other? But, I suppose I have talked about that too much. Yes, nothing is certain. Yes, this is insane. But at the same time, yes, we love each other.

What I'm amazed at is the extent of my love. Never did I think I had it in me to be able to love someone so much, to be able to trust someone so much. Even when I have met people, I haven't trusted them easily. But with Raj, something tells me it'll all be just fine. I could trust him with my life. Am I being stupid? What if he disappears suddenly? What if all this is just some joke/ fun/ timepass for him? What if he goes back to his ex-girlfriend because she is much prettier, nearer and most importantly, a Muslim, someone his family would approve of? Or what if he caves under the family pressure and just gets married to someone his parents choose for him? What if everything just falls apart? I am used to being the cynic. So, these questions just keep popping up in my mind. I know the answers to all of these questions. I know none of these things will happen. That's how much I trust him. I KNOW that these are just my insecurities, that these things will never happen. It still doesn't stop me from feeling insecure time and again. But the point is that even after all these possibilities pop up in my head, I know they are stupid and irrational fears. I totally and completely trust him to never break my heart. In fact, I'm more scared some day, I might break his heart. But not him.

Anyway, coming back to the topic, I don't know how and when did this happen. But he is my first thought on waking up and my last thought before going to sleep. I have shed all my inhibitions and completely given myself up to these sensations and feelings I have about him. I love him so very much, so very dearly. And I know every single one of my emotion is reciprocated with equal ardour. Of course all is not rosy and lovely. There are innumerable times when he has exasperated me no end, when I have been sure I would just suffocate and die if I have to live with him. There are many many many things on which we disagree and where both of us will have to compromise. And I'm afraid we might lose this magic and this love when that time comes. But these doubts and uncertainties will have to wait until another day, another post and hopefully, another lifetime. :P Because I want to enjoy this life with Raj, completely free of stress and doubts.

It may be hot now but the temperatures are going to be hotter later....

He is my Raj. The knight-in-shining-armour-who-comes-on-a-white-horse kind of Raj. Not that I need rescuing from anything apart from my own cynical self. But well, in a sense, he did that, didn't he? He rescued me from my own cynical self. He made me believe that there are people who could and who would love selflessly. And more importantly, he made me believe that I am capable of that sort of love. Unlike I thought, I am willing to compromise, to let go of some very strong beliefs of mine, meet him half-way to try and make this work. Mostly, I used to think that if I compromise or sacrifice for someone else, I wouldn't be myself then. I'd be changing myself for someone else - something that I'm staunchly opposed to. And I know he wouldn't want me to change for him. But I still know that whenever the need arises, I'd be willing to compromise and that's a good thing to know about yourself. Therefore, even though he is not saving me from the big, bad world or the ugly, mean witch, he is still my Raj.

Whenever I discussed this relationship with my friend, she used to say, "This is commitment, Vee." And I would fight it, not accepting the most obvious thing in the world. I used to wait for a "friend" to meet me and chat with me online and then, talk to him for about 2-3 hours daily. But not accept that this is commitment. If that's not commitment, I'd like to know what is!

However, in the last few weeks, we have been talking about the relationship, the future and in general, we have been having the where-is-this-going talks. They started mostly with me saying, "This doesn't make sense. There is no future and we are not even physically close to maybe check it out or even to simply enjoy each other's company and have fun. Why are we in this "relationship"?" And so, we've been talking and of course, he loves me so much that he'd be willing to do anything for me! Anything, my rat's ass! Well, not that I told him that. But, being the cynic that I am, his romantic statements mostly evoke these practical, rational responses in me. Anyhoooo, going back to "the talks", we have decided that we will do whatever it takes to make this relationship work. Which is all fine now. And again, which will be all fine when we are together in England. But then, there will come a time when a formal announcement will have to be made. The time when we'll have to tell our parents. When, he'll have to tell his parents that he wants to spend the rest of his life with a non-Muslim, not-very-religious, Indian girl, who loves her freedom, drinks alcohol and wears strappy, short dresses (not that they need to know ALL of these things - just the nationality and the religion would be enough.) And when I'll have to tell my  parents that I want to marry a religious Pakistani Muslim boy. The thought of how our parents would react breaks a cold sweat on my forehead. Boy, they are not going to be happy!

If our relationship ever reaches that point where we are physically together and ready to plunge into a very serious committed relationship - marriage, then, we both know that we'd have to go through a lot of ordeals before everyone will happily bless us. And even thinking about it sometimes makes me wonder if it's even worth it. But then, Raj always comes to my rescue and I am sure again that it in fact, IS worth it. After all, that's the job of all these knights-in-shining-armours types, right? ;)