Dear Raj,
Happy Birthday! You are the best thing that has ever happened to me! Please always stay this way! I love you.... more than you can even imagine!
Love,
V.
Friday 1 October 2010
Thursday 16 September 2010
Singledom v/s Couplehood
I'm sure a lot of you have read those "Reasons to be single" or "Reasons to be in a relationship" type of articles in Sunday newspaper suppliments countless times. I know I have. And today, when it looks like I may be in a relationship for good, I had a moment of panic a few days ago. Panic that I'm letting my singlehood, my freedom slip by and watch it go away. I'd never again be able to simply dress up and go to a night club just to chill out and check out the boys all by myself, never be able to flirt (oh yes, this one hurts the most! :P) It just plain scares me that I'd have to consider someone else while making the smallest of the decisions. I might have to adapt to new things and more importantly, let go of some things. Never before has my single self revolted so fiercely against change. Maybe it knows it's going to be permanent. I wish I knew! I am all the while expressing doubts about my relationship but it seems every other fibre in my body sort-of knows it's different this time. (Otherwise, it'd never have been presented with a blog of it's own. It's a diary for our love - to read and remember when we are old. and laugh at ourselves! :P) That's why they are revolting. Not wanting my strong single, independent woman self to change or become dependent on some one person.
On the other hand, it feels nice. Nice to have someone, nice to know someone cares, nice to sleep with a soft smile on your face knowing someone is thinking of you and wishing you were there, nice to cuddle (though I can't actually do it at the moment, pillows are my and Raj's friends. :P) nice to have sweet nothings whispered in your ear, nice to have a bit of romance in my life. I was away for a few days and had no contact with Raj whatsoever. And I actually enjoyed that sensation of missing someone specific. Not just some random vague person, whom you have not met yet but who should be with you. But a specific, special person whose presence would make everything so much better and different. Aching for your boyfriend is so much different from aching for a boyfriend!
I hope I can find a balance between my single, independent woman self and my coupled, loving girlfriend who wants to be with her boyfriend all the time self. I love both of them immensely and wouldn't want to lose either one of them.
On the other hand, it feels nice. Nice to have someone, nice to know someone cares, nice to sleep with a soft smile on your face knowing someone is thinking of you and wishing you were there, nice to cuddle (though I can't actually do it at the moment, pillows are my and Raj's friends. :P) nice to have sweet nothings whispered in your ear, nice to have a bit of romance in my life. I was away for a few days and had no contact with Raj whatsoever. And I actually enjoyed that sensation of missing someone specific. Not just some random vague person, whom you have not met yet but who should be with you. But a specific, special person whose presence would make everything so much better and different. Aching for your boyfriend is so much different from aching for a boyfriend!
I hope I can find a balance between my single, independent woman self and my coupled, loving girlfriend who wants to be with her boyfriend all the time self. I love both of them immensely and wouldn't want to lose either one of them.
Monday 6 September 2010
Love is coming! ;) :P
For some reason, I'm feeling too much lowe today. You know, Raj pe bohot pyaar aa raha hai - Love is coming! ;) So, I'm going to tell you a story that he told me yesterday. :P
Once upon a time, long long ago [not really, he exaggerates :P] there lived an [apparently quite stupid but hey, it's his story, who am I to change things? :P] boy named Raj in Pakistan. He used to play a stupid game on Facebook because he didn't have much else to do. And he was quite proud of it as well. He was one of the first players when they had just launched the game. So, he has even seen that game evolve over a long period of time! [huh?!! :P] But one day sometime in November last year, he met this girl from India. And the first sentence he said to her was, "Oh, I'm from This city. The one which is always in Indian media for all the wrong reasons. ;)" And the girl laughed. Silly girl! Didn't she know the rule of "hasi toh phasi"? :P But he didn't think much about it. He met lots of people everyday. However, he did like talking to her more purely because they both spoke the same language. And it indeed is a good thing to find someone who speaks the same language. I guess linguistic bonds are stronger than a lot of other bonds! :P
Anyhooo, they started talking more frequently in the following days. They both loved old Bollywood songs and Urdu gazals. That was what really founded their friendship. They would both share videos and introduce each other to a lot of different songs which the other didn't know. Gradually they began talking about their lives and discussing the similarities and differences of each other's cultures. They were both similar enough to understand everything but still different enough to keep each other interested. Apparently, they used to talk about food a lot. Raj then introduced Vee (for that's her name!) to a special dish from This city that he lives in. But what he didn't know was that Vee was a vegetarian (still is, by the way.) So, Vee told him that it all looked very nice (just being polite, you see) but that she advocates vegetarianism. And Raj, for some weird reason, thought that she should have been offended but wasn't. That impressed him a lot. [I'm not complaining, am I? :P] And so, they kept talking about food, customs, dressing codes and conducts, politics etc. But one day, they broached the topic of religion. And not the first few days, but soon, all hell broke loose! They had very very very different ideas. Radically opposite to each other. Did the friendship falter? Not really, not that either of them can remember of. Though Raj was once again very impressed by Vee because she would ask him questions about things he used to take for granted. He felt grateful to Vee for making him dig deeper into his own religion and understand certain things better. And as for Vee, well, she, being a Humanities student, has always been very interested in things like this. So, they considered this as healthy discussions and debates about a slightly controversial topic.
Somewhere in between all of this though, Raj fell "madly in love" with Vee. Vee took some time but, eventually she came around too. Now, they still talk about all the things they used to before. Somehow, neither do they get bored nor do they run out of things to say. Crazy, eh? :P Oh, and 3rd September was apparently quite special for them. Who knows why?!! Seeing as that they haven't even met each other yet, it's weird to think that, no? Ah, well, these two are quite stupid anyway. So, must be some silly inside joke! :P Oh, and I almost forgot, "they lived happily ever after." [You read it right. That's exactly what he said.]
Ok, so, Raj's story is over and I'm back. Why, that was an interesting story Raj, thank you! Here is my version (Yes, I'm feeling a bit mush today. I'll be back to my usual self soon!) of the story:
Once upon a time, long long ago [not really, he exaggerates :P] there lived an [apparently quite stupid but hey, it's his story, who am I to change things? :P] boy named Raj in Pakistan. He used to play a stupid game on Facebook because he didn't have much else to do. And he was quite proud of it as well. He was one of the first players when they had just launched the game. So, he has even seen that game evolve over a long period of time! [huh?!! :P] But one day sometime in November last year, he met this girl from India. And the first sentence he said to her was, "Oh, I'm from This city. The one which is always in Indian media for all the wrong reasons. ;)" And the girl laughed. Silly girl! Didn't she know the rule of "hasi toh phasi"? :P But he didn't think much about it. He met lots of people everyday. However, he did like talking to her more purely because they both spoke the same language. And it indeed is a good thing to find someone who speaks the same language. I guess linguistic bonds are stronger than a lot of other bonds! :P
Anyhooo, they started talking more frequently in the following days. They both loved old Bollywood songs and Urdu gazals. That was what really founded their friendship. They would both share videos and introduce each other to a lot of different songs which the other didn't know. Gradually they began talking about their lives and discussing the similarities and differences of each other's cultures. They were both similar enough to understand everything but still different enough to keep each other interested. Apparently, they used to talk about food a lot. Raj then introduced Vee (for that's her name!) to a special dish from This city that he lives in. But what he didn't know was that Vee was a vegetarian (still is, by the way.) So, Vee told him that it all looked very nice (just being polite, you see) but that she advocates vegetarianism. And Raj, for some weird reason, thought that she should have been offended but wasn't. That impressed him a lot. [I'm not complaining, am I? :P] And so, they kept talking about food, customs, dressing codes and conducts, politics etc. But one day, they broached the topic of religion. And not the first few days, but soon, all hell broke loose! They had very very very different ideas. Radically opposite to each other. Did the friendship falter? Not really, not that either of them can remember of. Though Raj was once again very impressed by Vee because she would ask him questions about things he used to take for granted. He felt grateful to Vee for making him dig deeper into his own religion and understand certain things better. And as for Vee, well, she, being a Humanities student, has always been very interested in things like this. So, they considered this as healthy discussions and debates about a slightly controversial topic.
Somewhere in between all of this though, Raj fell "madly in love" with Vee. Vee took some time but, eventually she came around too. Now, they still talk about all the things they used to before. Somehow, neither do they get bored nor do they run out of things to say. Crazy, eh? :P Oh, and 3rd September was apparently quite special for them. Who knows why?!! Seeing as that they haven't even met each other yet, it's weird to think that, no? Ah, well, these two are quite stupid anyway. So, must be some silly inside joke! :P Oh, and I almost forgot, "they lived happily ever after." [You read it right. That's exactly what he said.]
Ok, so, Raj's story is over and I'm back. Why, that was an interesting story Raj, thank you! Here is my version (Yes, I'm feeling a bit mush today. I'll be back to my usual self soon!) of the story:
Ek Din Aap Yoon Humko Mil Jayenge Phool Hi Phool Raahon Mein Khil Jayenge Maine Socha Na Tha Ek Din Zindagi Itni Hogi Haseen Jhoomega Aasmaan Gaayegi Ye Zameen Maine Socha Na Tha Dil Ki Daali Pe Kaliyaan Si Khilne Lagin Jab Nigaahein Nigaahon Se Milne Lagin Dil Ki Daali Pe Kaliyaan Si Khilne Lagin Jab Nigaahein Nigaahon Se Milne Lagin Ek Din Is Tarah Hosh Kho Jayenge Paas Aaye To Madhosh Ho Jayenge Maine Socha Na ThaJagamagati Hui Jaagti Raat HaiRaat Hai Ya Sitaaron Ki Baraat Hai Jagamagati Hui Jaagti Raat Hai Raat Hai Ya Sitaaron Ki Baraat Hai Ek Din Dil Ki Raahon Mein Apne Liye Jal Uthenge Mohabbat Ke Itne Diye Maine Socha Na Tha Maine Socha Na Tha Maine Socha Na Tha.Ek Din Zindagi Itni Hogi Haseen Jhoomega Aasmaan Gaayegi Ye ZameenMaine Socha Na Tha
Sunday 5 September 2010
Secular v/s Religious
Remember I told you there are things about Raj that exasperate me no end? That sometimes, I think I'll suffocate and die if I have to live with him? Well, today's post is about one such thing that sets us miles apart from each other ideologically - Religion. I grew up in Mumbai and my parents, though religious and believers in Jainism (that's right, my family is Jain, what I would call the OPPOSITE of Islam), are not really much of practitioners. They go to the temple once a fortnight on an average and we do some religious stuff during festivals. But in general, we are pretty chilled out. And since I grew up in Mumbai - one of the most cosmopolitan city of India, I am more like, I believe in God. But not in religion. Religion is man-made. God exists, whatever form you choose to worship Him (or Her - being politically correct :P) in.
Raj, on the other hand, grew up in a very religious Muslim environment. He also can not mention it enough times - he is not just a born Muslim. He chose Islam after studying all the different religions. While I always take this with a pinch of salt, (I mean, come on, he couldn't have studied everything there is to know about all the religions. He didn't even know what Jainism is!) it is still true that at least he has a lot of knowledge about Christianity, Judaism and a bit about Hinduism. So, he has chosen his religion by his own free will. But that doesn't make any difference at all. He is still very staunchly a Muslim. And this is the root cause of a lot of our disagreements, arguments and even full-blown fights.
That is why I am very scared of how it will be to live with him. I have thought more than is necessary about what's the point of sustaining a relationship over the internet for over a year if you already know that you won't be able to live in that kind of environment. Staunch religion is not for me. Even if it was someone Jain or Hindu or any other religion that I'm familiar with, I would still not be okay with someone insisting that his religion is the only "true" religion in the world. Because I don't think he has any rights or authority to decide that! And if and when I have children, I most definitely don't want them growing up to follow only one religion or believe that there can be only one way of life or only one true religion. So, all this is going to be a BIG problem if and when we start living together.
How, then, are we going to resolve this? Why are we going ahead with this even after knowing one of the biggest problems we'll have to face eventually? What if we don't get around to any solutions? What if we end up hurting each other so much that it's irreparable? There are so many what ifs in this relationship. But we are still in it. We have talked and talked and talked. We have tried to find ways around most of the big problems we shall have to face eventually if it works out. We are both very firm on certain things. Like, I won't ever convert to Islam for him. Nor would I let my (our :P) children be brought up as Muslims. But then again, I also trust him to never ask that of me. He knows how I feel about most things. He won't ever ask me to do something I don't believe in. And I, on the other hand, have been trying to understand Islam for him so that I'd know what to expect in certain situations. I've been trying not to resent it too much when sometimes he gives more importance to religion than to me. I don't deny that I'm possessive and I want his attention all the time. But, since I would never let a thing like religion ever affect anything important in my life, I find it difficult to understand that it is so important for him that he absolutely needs to find ways to accommodate every single action of his in the framework of Islam. But we are trying. And since we feel so deeply for each other, I know we will keep trying. So, even if this doesn't work out (there are not many chances of that, but well, we can't deny it's a possibility,) we know that we would have tried better than the best we could have tried before giving up.
We both exasperate each other - me with my cynicism, him with his chauvinism and religiousness. But we still love each other. So. Very. Much. :D
Raj, on the other hand, grew up in a very religious Muslim environment. He also can not mention it enough times - he is not just a born Muslim. He chose Islam after studying all the different religions. While I always take this with a pinch of salt, (I mean, come on, he couldn't have studied everything there is to know about all the religions. He didn't even know what Jainism is!) it is still true that at least he has a lot of knowledge about Christianity, Judaism and a bit about Hinduism. So, he has chosen his religion by his own free will. But that doesn't make any difference at all. He is still very staunchly a Muslim. And this is the root cause of a lot of our disagreements, arguments and even full-blown fights.
That is why I am very scared of how it will be to live with him. I have thought more than is necessary about what's the point of sustaining a relationship over the internet for over a year if you already know that you won't be able to live in that kind of environment. Staunch religion is not for me. Even if it was someone Jain or Hindu or any other religion that I'm familiar with, I would still not be okay with someone insisting that his religion is the only "true" religion in the world. Because I don't think he has any rights or authority to decide that! And if and when I have children, I most definitely don't want them growing up to follow only one religion or believe that there can be only one way of life or only one true religion. So, all this is going to be a BIG problem if and when we start living together.
How, then, are we going to resolve this? Why are we going ahead with this even after knowing one of the biggest problems we'll have to face eventually? What if we don't get around to any solutions? What if we end up hurting each other so much that it's irreparable? There are so many what ifs in this relationship. But we are still in it. We have talked and talked and talked. We have tried to find ways around most of the big problems we shall have to face eventually if it works out. We are both very firm on certain things. Like, I won't ever convert to Islam for him. Nor would I let my (our :P) children be brought up as Muslims. But then again, I also trust him to never ask that of me. He knows how I feel about most things. He won't ever ask me to do something I don't believe in. And I, on the other hand, have been trying to understand Islam for him so that I'd know what to expect in certain situations. I've been trying not to resent it too much when sometimes he gives more importance to religion than to me. I don't deny that I'm possessive and I want his attention all the time. But, since I would never let a thing like religion ever affect anything important in my life, I find it difficult to understand that it is so important for him that he absolutely needs to find ways to accommodate every single action of his in the framework of Islam. But we are trying. And since we feel so deeply for each other, I know we will keep trying. So, even if this doesn't work out (there are not many chances of that, but well, we can't deny it's a possibility,) we know that we would have tried better than the best we could have tried before giving up.
We both exasperate each other - me with my cynicism, him with his chauvinism and religiousness. But we still love each other. So. Very. Much. :D
Saturday 4 September 2010
How? When? What?!!!
Today, I'm just mostly feeling amazed at how did this ever happen? I mean, I did what?!! Fell in love with somebody I met over the internet in spite of knowing that we might not even be able to ever meet each other? But, I suppose I have talked about that too much. Yes, nothing is certain. Yes, this is insane. But at the same time, yes, we love each other.
What I'm amazed at is the extent of my love. Never did I think I had it in me to be able to love someone so much, to be able to trust someone so much. Even when I have met people, I haven't trusted them easily. But with Raj, something tells me it'll all be just fine. I could trust him with my life. Am I being stupid? What if he disappears suddenly? What if all this is just some joke/ fun/ timepass for him? What if he goes back to his ex-girlfriend because she is much prettier, nearer and most importantly, a Muslim, someone his family would approve of? Or what if he caves under the family pressure and just gets married to someone his parents choose for him? What if everything just falls apart? I am used to being the cynic. So, these questions just keep popping up in my mind. I know the answers to all of these questions. I know none of these things will happen. That's how much I trust him. I KNOW that these are just my insecurities, that these things will never happen. It still doesn't stop me from feeling insecure time and again. But the point is that even after all these possibilities pop up in my head, I know they are stupid and irrational fears. I totally and completely trust him to never break my heart. In fact, I'm more scared some day, I might break his heart. But not him.
Anyway, coming back to the topic, I don't know how and when did this happen. But he is my first thought on waking up and my last thought before going to sleep. I have shed all my inhibitions and completely given myself up to these sensations and feelings I have about him. I love him so very much, so very dearly. And I know every single one of my emotion is reciprocated with equal ardour. Of course all is not rosy and lovely. There are innumerable times when he has exasperated me no end, when I have been sure I would just suffocate and die if I have to live with him. There are many many many things on which we disagree and where both of us will have to compromise. And I'm afraid we might lose this magic and this love when that time comes. But these doubts and uncertainties will have to wait until another day, another post and hopefully, another lifetime. :P Because I want to enjoy this life with Raj, completely free of stress and doubts.
What I'm amazed at is the extent of my love. Never did I think I had it in me to be able to love someone so much, to be able to trust someone so much. Even when I have met people, I haven't trusted them easily. But with Raj, something tells me it'll all be just fine. I could trust him with my life. Am I being stupid? What if he disappears suddenly? What if all this is just some joke/ fun/ timepass for him? What if he goes back to his ex-girlfriend because she is much prettier, nearer and most importantly, a Muslim, someone his family would approve of? Or what if he caves under the family pressure and just gets married to someone his parents choose for him? What if everything just falls apart? I am used to being the cynic. So, these questions just keep popping up in my mind. I know the answers to all of these questions. I know none of these things will happen. That's how much I trust him. I KNOW that these are just my insecurities, that these things will never happen. It still doesn't stop me from feeling insecure time and again. But the point is that even after all these possibilities pop up in my head, I know they are stupid and irrational fears. I totally and completely trust him to never break my heart. In fact, I'm more scared some day, I might break his heart. But not him.
Anyway, coming back to the topic, I don't know how and when did this happen. But he is my first thought on waking up and my last thought before going to sleep. I have shed all my inhibitions and completely given myself up to these sensations and feelings I have about him. I love him so very much, so very dearly. And I know every single one of my emotion is reciprocated with equal ardour. Of course all is not rosy and lovely. There are innumerable times when he has exasperated me no end, when I have been sure I would just suffocate and die if I have to live with him. There are many many many things on which we disagree and where both of us will have to compromise. And I'm afraid we might lose this magic and this love when that time comes. But these doubts and uncertainties will have to wait until another day, another post and hopefully, another lifetime. :P Because I want to enjoy this life with Raj, completely free of stress and doubts.
Thursday 2 September 2010
It may be hot now but the temperatures are going to be hotter later....
He is my Raj. The knight-in-shining-armour-who-comes-on-a-white-horse kind of Raj. Not that I need rescuing from anything apart from my own cynical self. But well, in a sense, he did that, didn't he? He rescued me from my own cynical self. He made me believe that there are people who could and who would love selflessly. And more importantly, he made me believe that I am capable of that sort of love. Unlike I thought, I am willing to compromise, to let go of some very strong beliefs of mine, meet him half-way to try and make this work. Mostly, I used to think that if I compromise or sacrifice for someone else, I wouldn't be myself then. I'd be changing myself for someone else - something that I'm staunchly opposed to. And I know he wouldn't want me to change for him. But I still know that whenever the need arises, I'd be willing to compromise and that's a good thing to know about yourself. Therefore, even though he is not saving me from the big, bad world or the ugly, mean witch, he is still my Raj.
Whenever I discussed this relationship with my friend, she used to say, "This is commitment, Vee." And I would fight it, not accepting the most obvious thing in the world. I used to wait for a "friend" to meet me and chat with me online and then, talk to him for about 2-3 hours daily. But not accept that this is commitment. If that's not commitment, I'd like to know what is!
However, in the last few weeks, we have been talking about the relationship, the future and in general, we have been having the where-is-this-going talks. They started mostly with me saying, "This doesn't make sense. There is no future and we are not even physically close to maybe check it out or even to simply enjoy each other's company and have fun. Why are we in this "relationship"?" And so, we've been talking and of course, he loves me so much that he'd be willing to do anything for me! Anything, my rat's ass! Well, not that I told him that. But, being the cynic that I am, his romantic statements mostly evoke these practical, rational responses in me. Anyhoooo, going back to "the talks", we have decided that we will do whatever it takes to make this relationship work. Which is all fine now. And again, which will be all fine when we are together in England. But then, there will come a time when a formal announcement will have to be made. The time when we'll have to tell our parents. When, he'll have to tell his parents that he wants to spend the rest of his life with a non-Muslim, not-very-religious, Indian girl, who loves her freedom, drinks alcohol and wears strappy, short dresses (not that they need to know ALL of these things - just the nationality and the religion would be enough.) And when I'll have to tell my parents that I want to marry a religious Pakistani Muslim boy. The thought of how our parents would react breaks a cold sweat on my forehead. Boy, they are not going to be happy!
If our relationship ever reaches that point where we are physically together and ready to plunge into a very serious committed relationship - marriage, then, we both know that we'd have to go through a lot of ordeals before everyone will happily bless us. And even thinking about it sometimes makes me wonder if it's even worth it. But then, Raj always comes to my rescue and I am sure again that it in fact, IS worth it. After all, that's the job of all these knights-in-shining-armours types, right? ;)
Whenever I discussed this relationship with my friend, she used to say, "This is commitment, Vee." And I would fight it, not accepting the most obvious thing in the world. I used to wait for a "friend" to meet me and chat with me online and then, talk to him for about 2-3 hours daily. But not accept that this is commitment. If that's not commitment, I'd like to know what is!
However, in the last few weeks, we have been talking about the relationship, the future and in general, we have been having the where-is-this-going talks. They started mostly with me saying, "This doesn't make sense. There is no future and we are not even physically close to maybe check it out or even to simply enjoy each other's company and have fun. Why are we in this "relationship"?" And so, we've been talking and of course, he loves me so much that he'd be willing to do anything for me! Anything, my rat's ass! Well, not that I told him that. But, being the cynic that I am, his romantic statements mostly evoke these practical, rational responses in me. Anyhoooo, going back to "the talks", we have decided that we will do whatever it takes to make this relationship work. Which is all fine now. And again, which will be all fine when we are together in England. But then, there will come a time when a formal announcement will have to be made. The time when we'll have to tell our parents. When, he'll have to tell his parents that he wants to spend the rest of his life with a non-Muslim, not-very-religious, Indian girl, who loves her freedom, drinks alcohol and wears strappy, short dresses (not that they need to know ALL of these things - just the nationality and the religion would be enough.) And when I'll have to tell my parents that I want to marry a religious Pakistani Muslim boy. The thought of how our parents would react breaks a cold sweat on my forehead. Boy, they are not going to be happy!
If our relationship ever reaches that point where we are physically together and ready to plunge into a very serious committed relationship - marriage, then, we both know that we'd have to go through a lot of ordeals before everyone will happily bless us. And even thinking about it sometimes makes me wonder if it's even worth it. But then, Raj always comes to my rescue and I am sure again that it in fact, IS worth it. After all, that's the job of all these knights-in-shining-armours types, right? ;)
Rethinking and failing: Hot, cold, hot, cold...Hot it is!
I've said this before. I'm the cynic, he's the romantic. And I keep oscillating between "It's possible." and "It's pointless." all the time. Which, obviously, is very frustrating for him. But, I wish I could help it.
He is in Pakistan. I'll be returning to India. We have never met each other and probably won't meet until September next year, when he comes to the UK for his studies and I, hopefully, get scholarship for further studies so that I can return as well. So, you see, we don't even know if we're really going to be able to even meet each other. And as it is, long distances, even when you know each other before moving away, is difficult to sustain. How do we expect to maintain this for another year? This is a question I've asked myself about a thousand times. Never got a satisfactory answer. The logical thing to do, obviously, would be to stop being silly and stop dreaming. Stop hoping. I wish it were so simple. Flick a switch and everything stops. (Inside joke: whenever I mention any of these things to him, he says, "V, I have a manufacturing defect. I don't have a regulator. Just an on and off switch. And it's never in my control anyway. So, there is no way that I can control my feelings or try to pretend this didn't happen. It's switched on now and I don't know when, if ever, it'll switch off. I hope it never does.") But it doesn't work that way. I fought it so badly for so long. But I had to succumb. He loves me so unconditionally. God knows if I'll ever find anything like this beautiful relationship ever again! Can I afford to let it go? It's completely irrational, I agree. And thinking about the physical distance for a year just pains me no end! But still, it's different. Can I afford to let it go without giving it a try? Can I afford to let it go without a fight? I suppose I can't. I didn't and I won't.
I don't know if we will last. I don't know if we will even meet each other. And if we do, I don't know if we will be able to sustain the relationship then like we are trying now. But, I know I can't let it go without giving it a fair chance. And all this is because I have enough faith in him.
He is in Pakistan. I'll be returning to India. We have never met each other and probably won't meet until September next year, when he comes to the UK for his studies and I, hopefully, get scholarship for further studies so that I can return as well. So, you see, we don't even know if we're really going to be able to even meet each other. And as it is, long distances, even when you know each other before moving away, is difficult to sustain. How do we expect to maintain this for another year? This is a question I've asked myself about a thousand times. Never got a satisfactory answer. The logical thing to do, obviously, would be to stop being silly and stop dreaming. Stop hoping. I wish it were so simple. Flick a switch and everything stops. (Inside joke: whenever I mention any of these things to him, he says, "V, I have a manufacturing defect. I don't have a regulator. Just an on and off switch. And it's never in my control anyway. So, there is no way that I can control my feelings or try to pretend this didn't happen. It's switched on now and I don't know when, if ever, it'll switch off. I hope it never does.") But it doesn't work that way. I fought it so badly for so long. But I had to succumb. He loves me so unconditionally. God knows if I'll ever find anything like this beautiful relationship ever again! Can I afford to let it go? It's completely irrational, I agree. And thinking about the physical distance for a year just pains me no end! But still, it's different. Can I afford to let it go without giving it a try? Can I afford to let it go without a fight? I suppose I can't. I didn't and I won't.
I don't know if we will last. I don't know if we will even meet each other. And if we do, I don't know if we will be able to sustain the relationship then like we are trying now. But, I know I can't let it go without giving it a fair chance. And all this is because I have enough faith in him.
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